When Love is Like Cholera

Below You Will Find Answers to Commonly Asked Questions About Love

What is love?

Love is an acute illness caused by infection of the heart with the bacterium Ignitio amorae. An estimated 10 to 20 million new cases occur each year around the world. The infection is often life changing but is sometimes misdiagnosed.

Cholera bacteria

Where is love found?

The amorae bacterium is usually found in cities and rural areas. It is most likely to be found and spread in places where people congregate: restaurants, bars, movie theaters and schools. The amorae bacterium also lives in the great outdoors. It is an airborne pathogen frequently inhaled around flowers and candlelight, beautiful sunsets and picturesque vistas.

Love has been found online as well, but it’s not yet understood how or when the amorae bacterium infects people who contract the disease online.

Cholera strain

How is love diagnosed?

To test for love, doctors must take swabs of the hand, neck and mouth. The swabs are sent to a laboratory to look for cooties.

Cholera strain
Cholera bacteria

How does a person fall in love?

A person can fall in love love by being in proximity to an attractive person. The disease spreads easily in areas where beautiful people gather, compliments are delivered and kindness observed. The disease spreads directly from one person to another.

There have been a few documented cases of persons that contracted amorae after eating raw or undercooked shellfish, particularly oysters.

What are the symptoms of love?

When love infects a heart it can be severe. Common symptoms of love include butterflies, giddiness, time that flies by, blindness, heads falling over heels, chills that are multiplyin’ and loss of control, appetite, sleep and sense.

Approximately .001 percent of infected persons will experience delusional or obsessive love characterized by extreme jealousy, addictive qualities, psychological control or violence. In these people, a lost connection to reality leads to considerable pain and suffering.

How long after infection do the symptoms appear?

Symptoms can occur at first sight. They can also lay dormant for weeks, months and years.

What should I do if I think a family member or I have fallen in love?

If you think you or a member of your family are in love, good luck. Love can upend a life so rapidly and fluidly that a person often can’t recall what hit ‘em.

What is the treatment for love?

Love cannot be treated. It can only be surrendered to. Surrender can be facilitated by romantic interludes, compliments, poems, flowers, gift giving and sharing prepackaged mixtures of sugar and cocoa. Unrequited love is often treated with copious tears, wine and the demolition of tubs of ice cream. After a prompt surrender, less than .0002 percent of people infected with love die.

Is a vaccine available to prevent love?

Currently, there are no vaccines available. Vaccines aren’t necessary if standard prevention and control measures are followed.

How can I avoid falling in love?

When simple precautions are observed, contracting the disease is unlikely.

To avoid falling in love observe the following recommendations:

  • Disregard proper hygienic practices.
  • Be a boor.
  • Act obnoxiously.
  • Eat only beans and cabbage.
  • Mimic the greeting behavior of canines.

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